I conceded for Dr. M yesterday and took zyprexa last night to help me come down out of the manic episode I have been in the past couple weeks. And I hate it. I feel flat, emotionless. The world seems grey and dull. It feels like I went from high to low. Skipped ‘normal’ completely. This is what happens every time I take an anti-psychotic.
But what is normal? Do I even know what that feels like. That is what I talked about today with Dr. C. Med after med I have tried, nothing seems to work. They make me feel flat. But are they really, or are they just dulling the mania like they are suppose to? Am I so addicted to the high of the mania that when I come down from it, the world seems bland. Am I really void of emotions or am I just not feeling the rush of mania. When I am not taking meds I can work 10 hours a day in my yard and I love every minute of it. When I am on meds I just don’t have the energy or the desire. I can only work an hour or two before I loose interest and am done…so I think the meds are making me too down. But a normal person only works in their yard for a couple hours. I don’t take long drives, go 100 mph, and I don’t feel the energy of the moon. Songs don’t seem to be absorbed by my soul, and I don’t feel free as a bird flying through the world. This is what I want- maybe even have expected- to feel when I am on meds..these are the feelings I don’t want to give up. But this is the mania. So is my world really dull and flat when I take anti–psychotics? How do I adjust to feeling a normal range of emotions? Do I get depressed because I can’t feel the high? Do I need to learn how to find happiness and joy in normal things in my life. Enjoy music, let it make me feel good, but not set my soul on fire? Can I just enjoy working in my yard in moderation? These are things I have never thought about. It really hit me pretty hard today, like one of those “ah-ha” moments you have in life. Dr. C has opened my mind today… gave me something to really consider. I really like therapy when he pushes my beliefs and view of things. It’s these times when I feel like I am really given the opportunity to grow.