I can barely type right now. My entire body is literally shaking. I have a love/hate relationship with Dr. C and it is because of sessions like I had today. I know that they can’t all be light and fun conversations.. but I really do love those days. I know that today was all me… I guess in a way I chose to bring up the things that we talked about… trying to be more open with what is going on inside my head. Otherwise this is our conversation:
Dr. C: What are you thinking about today?
Me: I don’t know.
Dr. C: …Or what you don’t want to say is…
I have learned to try and avoid that opening dialogue. lol.. But I guess the meds have made me feel pretty level, and I guess for some reason it made these things easier to actually talk about… spoken, out loud, in actual words. Maybe it’s because of the year and a half that I have been talking with Dr. C and the relationship with him that has developed… but these topics are coming into my consciousness more and more, and seem to be slipping out in our conversations lately. Not by choice. I didn’t go in today even remotely with the notion of discussing what we did. It was tied up, nicely packaged in a box deep inside me. But for some reason the ropes got loose and the lid cracked open. The emotions are swirling inside me and I am struggling to contain them again. The fight between stuffing them back deep down inside or letting them fly and being destructive on something around me or on myself, is almost unbearable. I don’t like feeling so out of control. I have survived my life by finding ways to feel in control of myself and the things around me. And to loose that sense of control makes me feel like this life that I have held together so carefully will no longer exist, and completely fall apart. I don’t know how to live in a world without the sense of control over it. And I am not sure Dr. C understands how unbelievably frightening that feels.