I’ll be honest.  I really miss my crazy right now.  I know, that sounds completely insane.  (Although technically I am, so…) And as nice as this sounds, if I stay on my meds this time, there is a chance I will not swing down and I will avoid the crash that always follows my manic episodes… What goes up must come down…

But I will miss it.  No, I will not miss the hopelessness, the abyss of despair, and fighting against the suicidal thoughts.  But the dark depression that engulfs me after every high is when I am able to bring my feelings to life.  The rush that I get when I sit down with my sketchbook and my pencils in the throws of depression is the strangest feeling to try to explain.  My emotions flow from deep within me through my hands onto the paper in front of me.  I sit on the floor and the images just appear. Some pieces I work on for a couple days, forgetting to eat and barely sleeping.  My mind so obsessed with the images in my head I can not think of anything else.  The only release of that obsession is to get them out onto paper. And then other ideas spill out onto the paper in minutes.  My hands barely keeping up with the images that I see in my head.  Drawing what I feel inside me is a way to release emotions that I can not get any other way.  It is almost as addicting as the highs of mania in an uncanny way. I am not saying that I long to be in the in the blackness of depression. It is a physical and mental pain in which I am not sure if I will make through to the other side, every time I fall into it… But like the mania, it comes with experiences and emotions that without it, I could have no other way.

6 thoughts on “my crazy & my art

  1. My biggest fear of wellness is losing my creativity. I’m a poet, and the darker my mood the better I write. Emotional stability cuts access to my muse. I totally understand where you’re coming from. Hang in there.

    1. Thank you.. It is a hard choice to make sometimes.. Isn’t it. I’m trying to find my creativity while living the”normal” range of emotions.. If we could only have both, right!?

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