life manual

Ever wish you had a manual that explains your life?  Well thanks to being bipolar and borderline, I do.  There actually are many.  I just recently started reading a book or two about the mental illness that I was most recently diagnosed with.  Dr. C has told me that he doesn’t like labels… but if you look like a frog, sound like a frog, and act like a frog…you should stop being in denial and call yourself a frog.  Maybe this view of myself will change at some point. But for now, especially since I am finding myself so clearly inside these pages, I am borderline.

A borderline suffers a kind of “emotional hemophilia”; she lacks the clotting mechanism needed to moderate her spurts of feeling.  Prick the delicate “skin” of a borderline and she will emotionally bleed to death.  Sustained periods of contentment are foreign to the borderline.  Chronic emptiness depletes her until she is forced to do anything to escape.  In the grip of these lows, the borderline is prone to a myriad of impulsive, self-destructive acts- drug and alcohol binges, eating marathons, anorexic fasts, bulimic purges, gambling forays, shopping sprees, sexual promiscuity, and self- mutilation. She may attempt suicide, often not with the intent to die but to feel something, to confirm that she is alive.
Adjusting to a world that is continually inconsistent and untrustworthy is a major problem for the borderline.  The borderline’s universe lacks pattern and predictability.  Friends, jobs, and skills can never be relied upon.  The borderline must keep testing and retesting all of these aspects of her life; she is in constant fear that a trusted person or situation will change into the total opposite- absolute betrayal.  A hero becomes a devil; the perfect job becomes the bane of his existence.  The borderline cannot conceive that individual or situational object constancy can endure.  She has no laurels on which to rest.  Every day she must begin anew trying desperately to prove to herself that the world can be trusted.  Just because the sun has risen in the East for thousands of years does not mean it will today.  She must see it for herself each and every day. 
{I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me}

 

 

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