the cheesy cliche

shattered

I hate my insecurities, and the fact that my ‘foundation of self’ crumbles with the slightest touch.  It makes existing in this world like living in a constant whirlwind. Always having to check myself and my feelings, thoughts, emotions to see if they are “normal”. Am I too detached, too numb, too happy, too impulsive, too sensitive. The quote about a borderline person being compared to someone with burns is dead on…

“People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.” -Marsha M. Linehan

The slightest tic in a conversation, that a normal person would not even notice or think twice about, sends me sinking.

It’s not fair to others who have no idea that anything is even wrong.

How can I build up any self confidence, or sense of self, when my foundation barely exists? When you are young your environment is suppose to be the place where you start building the foundation of who you are and your self worth; developing feelings of being grounded, belonging to someplace and someone…and of being loved and believing you are worthy of that love.  But when you don’t get any of that, when your world tells you the extreme opposite of that, throughout your life… how do I start building, after all these years?

Dr. C says “I need to look in the mirror with some self compassion. I know it is cliche, but you gotta love yourself first”

Sounds cheesy… and sounds impossible.  I don’t get how one day he thinks I am going to look in the mirror and say “hey self…your not so bad!“..honestly, I don’t ever see that happening. But I’m not going to let him be right when he calls me a quitter (yes…he really did). Sometimes I think he knows if he say’s those things I will push right back, because he knows I’m stubborn like that 🙂

 

2 thoughts on “the cheesy cliche

  1. I can relate to this so much. I have a very difficult time validating myself and I am definitely my own worst critic. I have to find ways to find the little things because they are so important. Like putting pants on every day. At least I got out of bed!

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