October the season that awakens my soul…
It is my favorite time of year. I look forward to it for ten long months. When summer says goodbye and the air turns crisp and cool. Where I live we have 4 months of cold snowy winter, 2 months of a wet warm/cold spring. 4 months of a hot summer… then 2 months of Autumn…(wait does that add up to 12… yep, ok.)
Hello crisp air, pretty leaves, sweaters, warm socks and boots, apple cider and pumpkins.
My normal cycle with my Bipolar is that I usually crash this time of year and get really depressed. So even with as much as I love fall, I have rarely been able to enjoy it the past few years. Which makes this year even that much better -knock on wood.. 😉 I feel great so far. Some mood swings, that probably have more to do with life stuff and my BPD- which I can handle at the moment. But no major bipolar depression as far as I can feel right now. I was telling someone the other day, I may be inserting my foot in my mouth for not trying lithium sooner… if it continues to work as is seems to be right now.
I went on a hike up in the mountains yesterday. It was absolutely beautiful. I love all the nature that surrounds me. And I noticed that I felt good, I felt happy. But it was a normal happy… not a manic, intense, overwhelming, the world is so amazing I can taste the colors, kind of good-or- I want to jump off the ledge of the cliff because I know nature catch me, crazy happy. (what?!?..of course I have no idea what that is like 😜 I have never been that crazy 🙃….lol)
It was just a normal feeling of contentment and enjoyment. And it was ok.
I was ok just feeling happy.
I have been talking with Dr. C about being happy. Having it come just from me. Not happy from mania, not relying on it from other people, not needing to find it in the things or circumstances in my life… but having a happiness from within myself. Despite everything and anything that happens around me… Trying to find this within myself has been, and still is, quite a journey.
But yesterday, maybe for a few minutes, I think I may have discovered what he was talking about. Maybe it was being in the nature that I love, maybe it was feeling a closeness to God or whatever you want to call it. Maybe it was just a few moments when I wasn’t judging myself… when I truly- honestly let the past go and didn’t let it try and tell me who I am… just let it all fall away. In those few moments I felt happy.
I use to think I would be a city girl. I lived in the east at one time growing up and I absolutely loved New York City. I had decided that I was going to live there when I was a grown up 🙂 But now that I am a grown up… I have fallen in love with the laid-back, slow paced, small town life. The stillness and peacefulness of it is good for my soul. If I had the choice, I’m not sure which one I would choose… I still love the big cities, but my heart would always be here.
(it looks like a carpet of leaves in that last pic…doesn’t it?!)