no crazy here

October the season that awakens my soul…

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It is my favorite time of year. I look forward to it for ten long months. When summer says goodbye and the air turns crisp and cool. Where I live we have 4 months of cold snowy winter, 2 months of a wet warm/cold spring. 4 months of a hot summer… then 2 months  of Autumn…(wait does that add up to 12… yep, ok.)

Hello crisp air, pretty leaves, sweaters, warm socks and boots, apple cider and pumpkins.

My normal cycle with my Bipolar is that I usually crash this time of year and get really depressed. So even with as much as I love fall, I have rarely been able to enjoy it the past few years. Which makes this year even that much better -knock on wood.. 😉 I feel great so far. Some mood swings, that probably have more to do with life stuff and my BPD- which I can handle at the moment. But no major bipolar depression as far as I can feel right now. I was telling someone the other day, I may be inserting my foot in my mouth for not trying lithium sooner… if it continues to work as is seems to be right now.

fall1I went on a hike up in the mountains yesterday. It was absolutely beautiful. I love all the nature that surrounds me. And I noticed that I felt good, I felt happy. But it was a normal happy… not a manic, intense, overwhelming, the world is so amazing I can taste the colors, kind of good-or- I want to jump off the ledge of the cliff because I know nature catch me, crazy happy. (what?!?..of course I have no idea what that is like 😜 I have never been that crazy 🙃….lol)

It was just a normal feeling of contentment and enjoyment. And it was ok.

I was ok just feeling happy.

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I have been talking with Dr. C about being happy. Having it come just from me. Not happy from mania, not relying on it from other people, not needing to find it in the things or circumstances in my life… but having a happiness from within myself. Despite everything and anything that happens around me… Trying to find this within myself has been, and still is, quite a journey.

But yesterday, maybe for a few minutes, I think I may have discovered what he was talking about. Maybe it was being in the nature that I love, maybe it was feeling a closeness to God or whatever you want to call it. Maybe it was just a few moments when I wasn’t judging myself… when I truly- honestly let the past go and didn’t let it try and tell me who I am… just let it all fall away. In those few moments I felt happy.

I use to think I would be a city girl. I lived in the east at one time growing up and I absolutely loved New York City. I had decided that I was going to live there when I was a grown up 🙂 But now that I am a grown up… I have fallen in love with the laid-back, slow paced, small town life. The stillness and peacefulness of it is good for my soul. If I had the choice, I’m not sure which one I would choose… I still love the big cities, but my heart would always be here.

(it looks like a carpet of leaves in that last pic…doesn’t it?!)

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10 thoughts on “no crazy here

  1. OMG! You live in an amazingly beautiful place. I’m a huge fan of the mountains too and I prefer small town living, as well! I love the pictures and it makes me want to go back home and go hike in the mountains. 🙂

  2. Bingo lizzy, it is in finding what you love…and loving yourself in doing it that is our whole purpose down here. We all struggle with it, in all its shapes and sizes, but slowly we find our hearts among the craziness of this world 🙂 And nature is a great place to find at least some balance and touch what we are aiming for in our lives 🙂
    Just a thought, with what you explained above with winter being a down time, have you looked into Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). We all have it, but some are just more sensitive than others (and your words tell me you ARE a very sensitive soul 🙂 ).
    It knocks me around and I find getting as much sunlight as possible reduces its affect, even if its just Vitamin D tablets. A window you can sit in the sun and get as much light each day as you can.
    Just a thought 🙂

  3. Thanks! I will definitely keep that in mind. The weird thing is that it usually only lasts for a month or two then by December I am usually back up..lol. But hopefully this year we will by-pass the whole thing 😉

  4. Nice eye you have there Ms. Grace…but you are a Bipolar so I wouldn’t expect any less. Just kidding, I’m not going to steal your thunder…really though, nice eye. I wish there was beauty like this where I currently reside. Some days I miss being in the city amongst the trees of ATL.

  5. Why thank you Mr. Architect… Bipolar- what me?! Well, that explains a lot. Thanks for being the one who dropped that bomb…

    Yes trees=😊 for me.

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