There is something extremely frustrating about the analogy of putting a square peg through a round hole. And yet it seems that mentally I try and do this repeatedly to the point that I exhaust myself.

I hate BPD.  I hate that I struggle with it on a daily basis.  While meeting with Dr. C, we have been able to work on some aspects of it that are hard for me.  But it is not happening fast enough for me.  I am a perfectionist in some aspects of my life.  And getting better and improving myself is one of them.

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I really struggle with self-esteem. I hate that it effects any and all relationships that I have in my life. When someone sees something in me that I don’t, I question it-unfailingly… much to the frustrations of others.  No matter what proof there is to the contrary. My need for reassurance is almost constant.

I am always looking for proof of people not caring. Growing up I became an expert at reading peoples moods, and could decipher a change in mood miles away. But now it seems to create more problems in my relationships than it does good… Why? I am so use to finding the bad and negative emotions in people, that I think my brain now creates them, because it expects it to be there. Even if evidence of said feelings do not exist, my mind will create them from minuscule occurrences. The most innocent, subtle shift in mood, or change in reaction, and my brain automatically goes into overdrive and tells me that it’s over.

What am I trying to do about it? How can I change the way my mind thinks?  The hardest part about BPD is, unlike Bipolar, it can not be fixed or controlled by any medication. All I can do is actually train my brain to rethink the way I think.  So in relationships, I have to look for evidence of the opposite.  What is my brain trying to tell me about this relationship, and what evidence is there to the opposite.  Because usually my brain is making things up and the evidence to the contrary is plentiful… if I will just look… Look and believe it.  It is unreal how I can see evidence in front of me.. literally spelled out for me, and my brain says, “nope, it’s all a lie”…  Damn, my brain is one stubborn son of a b*&#!.

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Trying to apply logic to a brain that is anything but logical, when it comes to relationships, is like trying to shove a square peg through a round hole. I tend to just shove it and push it and force that peg into the damn hole.. without trying to change anything. And then exhausted and frustrated with myself, say it can’t be done. But as Dr. C has reassured me, it actually can be done. You just need to have the right tools to chisel and sand, and reshape that peg so it will fit into that hole. With patience, time, and some work, one day it will fit.

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{p.s. sorry for the cursing in this post.. but some days I have just got to get it out}

16 thoughts on “square peg, round hole

  1. I like the chisel metaphor. The thing about chisels, though, is that it hurts when you’ve got to saw off your edges!! Sometimes I think it would be easier to stay crazy because trying to fix what’s wrong is so…much…work. 😢 *miniature pity party* Sorry you have to go through this.

  2. Yep. Bipolar about 5 years ago. BPD about a year ago, after I started seeing a psychologist. I knew the Bipolar was right, but there had to be something more to it, because somethings just were not explained by bipolar…When I was told BPD..everything finally fit and made sense. Bipolar is the chemical balance of the brain..where BPD has nothing really to do with chemical imbalance.. but more with how the brain functioned and formed when you were young and as you grew up. And the lucky ones like me have both 😉

    1. Sounds awful, sorry. 😕. As I said, I don’t know a lot about BPD, but I read a few blogs of people who have it. A lot of the symptoms sound eerily familiar to what I experience. I’m wondering if maybe I should talk to my doctor about it next time I see her. As you say, though, there’s not a ton that can be done about it medically…I don’t know if it’s worth asking. I was only diagnosed as bipolar a year ago, and I’m still a little in the “what do I do with this?!” phase, lol. Mental health is such a guessing game. I wonder if maybe someday they’ll come up with a blood test or something to give quick answers – wouldn’t that be great?! I’m glad you got answers that finally made sense for you. That has to be a source of comfort, even if it’s difficult to work through.

      1. It’s hard at times..but sometimes I just have to laugh at myself. It wouldn’t hurt to talk to your doctor… and then see what happens from there. There isn’t medically anything you can do, but therapy is extremely important for BPD.

        Oh yes, you are still in the baby stages of the bipolar diagnosis 😉 lol.. Don’t worry you’ll figure it out. Just be patient and give yourself time. And yes, how I wish there could be a simple blood test for mental illness. Can you imagine!? Feel free to email me if you want to talk more about it.

  3. Well, there is one thing lizzy…we all have that ‘non belief’ in what we are seeing. As in not being able to believe others because of ‘our’ perception of what we are seeing.
    And it IS a very big training exercise to find that truth within. Most of us think that we are not good enough or negative about many things…and in fact create those fears about ourselves.
    As an example, my fear of rejection from childhood made me go looking for any signs of a rejection of me. I was always ‘on guard’ for that axe that I knew would fall at any time…so, like you, I became a professional rejection hunter. I could see it in a frown or a sarcastic smile from 4 thousand yards 🙂
    And I’m not kidding, it is an ingrained thing from our childhood fears on into adulthood, and in your case compounded because of how you decipher those same signals.
    But it can be changed…when you accept who you are, exactly as you are. I swear to you, when I faced my fears and finally understood the ‘why’ of how I was acting…it lost its power, and no longer had me in that grip. I could see I had produced it from those childhood fears…and that understanding will set you free, as it did me.
    In all the healing’s that I have been a part of…the one common denominator was seeing the light go on in their eyes when my clients finally saw and understood the ‘why’ beneath it all. From that exact moment, they changed totally, lost all that pain and fear…and suddenly were confronted with a truth like no other.
    And in seeing them many years later, I could barely recognise the same person…a calmer, more peaceful heart I could not find, because now they were released from ‘their’ bondage. Now on a road that they were now deciding how to travel it, creating what they wanted rather than being forced by those fears that they ‘must’ do this or that.
    It is a long journey, and very hard at times…but in that understanding will be a love and appreciation of ‘you’ because of what you have endured to find that truth within.
    I hope you ‘hear’ your heart, and the truth in that guidance lizzy, may it show you that beauty that is a part of who you have always been, only blocked by those walls of fear. Namaste

    1. Mark, wisdom as always. Thank you. I hope I can one day be that person who can understand the”why” beneath it all.. One day.. I’m working on it 🙂 and i am discovering the happiness of creating the journey I want, instead of doing what I feel like I’m forced I must do… It is bringing me great happiness.

      1. You will understand lizzy, piece by piece it will guide you to find your truth, that place where a smile will always be present, whatever you do. You have great courage my friend, and a heart to match.
        I bow to a master of her own journey 🙂

  4. I also struggle with similar issues. I found a lot of help at Al Anon. It helped me to see the impact of my childhood and to find a place of self acceptance and love of myself. I still struggle with this and I often impute negative things that are projections of my past. Another book that really helped me was Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder. The author helps us to examine our thinking and judgements. We do have a tendency to ‘awfullise’ situations and people and mindfulness can help with this. We can learn to observe our own thinking critically, but that is also one of our problems. Sometimes we just need to trust, let go and live, scary as it is. Sending you love. Deborah

    1. Thank you Deborah. I am going to take a look at that book. Trust.. let go… and live… That is scary as hell sometimes. Well said.

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