Dear Bipolar,

Hello old friend… and I call you a friend not because you have ever been kind, but you have been with me for over half my life, so I feel we know each other very well. We have developed a relationship, you and I, one that has changed constantly and seen many dynamics throughout the years. Years you lived within me having free reign over my mind, for you were an unknown entity to me. Like an invisible puppeteer you took control of the way I thought, the way I felt emotion, the way I saw the world. You turned my world upside down, all the while I was blindly following the waves you threw into my life… as if I was sitting in a small boat with no oars in the middle of a hurricane. You were winning. Yes, I will admit that for years you won. But you don’t play fair, do you? You hid your true self from the doctors that were trying to help me, making it impossible for the treatment I truly needed to be known. Because of your stealth, I was put on medications time and time again that were made to fight other illnesses, not you.  In fact, you seemed to thrive and grow even stronger with of some of the medications that I was incorrectly prescribed. That was cruel to do.  But that was not the worse of it.. was it? You loved to show me how wonderful and beautiful this world was… make me believe that the colors that I could see, that were so vivid and bright, was the way this world really was… you couldn’t just leave it be could you? If something is good… why not do more, right? That happiness and energy I felt, you had to play with it… turn up the volume of everything around me. You would turn my world into a confusing, chaotic mess… where time rushed in front of my eyes, all the good thoughts that were in my head, you now turned into a slur of fragmented sentences that didn’t make sense… a whirlwind of commotion. You took all the good away from my world… and the worst part was- I had no idea what was happening to me.

But we weren’t done yet, were we? That wasn’t enough for you. Once you took me that high… you just wanted to see me fall. We took a trip, you and I- many times. You lifted me above the rest of the world… so I could see things most people didn’t. I could see the beauty, feel the wind and the freedom from being high above the buildings and the clouds most people could not see beyond.. but you didn’t stop. Higher and higher you would take me. Until we were so high it was dangerous and I could barely breathe from the atmosphere being so thin. And just when I thought you had some compassion for me…when I thought you stopped because you cared you were taking me too high… you did something only the cruelest of things could be capable of doing.

You let go.

You let go, and I fell, rushing towards the earth so fast I couldn’t see what was going on around me. All I could see was the the colors and the feelings that I had known at one time turning into a undescribable wash of grey. I tried to grab on to something, reaching out for anything to stop my fall. But there was nothing. Once I hit, that bottom came out to claim me, and then everything was just black. And there I was trapped. You made sure of it. The weight of that fall, and the damage that was done to my mind on the way down took everything from me.  You left me with nothing. Not even sadness. No color, no feeling, just a void where there once was life. And you laughed.

This was a game for you, and you thought you were winning… I thought you were winning. I’ll tell you a secret though, you aren’t. Not anymore. I found a doctor, and he is smarter than you. He knew how to pull that blanket off and see you for what you really are. You couldn’t hide from him.  And all those new meds that he gave me to try… you know, the ones that you fought very hard from letting them control you… yes those meds… you put up a good fight, I will give you that much. It took years to find the right combination of meds that were stronger than you.. in fact you thought you unstoppable, didn’t you?  I know you did.. you gloated and mocked that you would never be controlled, that I could never win.  You told me to give up, that it was a pointless battle to fight… and I almost believed you. I guess you didn’t really know deep down the strength I had inside of me. Hell, I didn’t know. You didn’t know that my will was stronger than anything you could do to me.  And you are scared now. I can feel it. These meds, the people that I have in my life, and the things I have learned over the past years give me what I need to beat you. I know you keep saying over and over, that you will never be defeated… and maybe that’s true in a way, I will never be completely free of you… you will be with me until my last breath.  But the tides have changed my friend. I am now in control. And in fact you have made me stronger. You will no longer rule my world.  Yes, I know you are going to try, and at times you may even win a battle or two… But the war is mine to win.

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5 thoughts on “Dear Bipolar…

  1. Thank you lizzy, for sharing your heart in such depth. I cannot ‘know’ your journey because I have never experienced what you have been through, but I do ‘know’ this….I feel your heart, and the beauty that you have created from fighting the ‘beast’, and in doing so it gave you something that even you dared not hope for…that love of self…that final understanding that you are so worth more than what it had tried to take away. An acceptance in this world that so many take for granted, because it ‘had’ been taken away, by a journey reserved for those hearts that have such courage and strength to find within themselves that love.
    You have my admiration, to endure, defeat and in that understanding, see your heart from another place because of that journey.
    Take a bow lizzy, and yes, accept in full what you have created because of this path, your heart is now free…free and able to love like no other…that is a special freedom all its own 😀

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