So. I have this thing for pens.  Like not quite a fetish.. But I can stand in the isle at the office supply store (oh, how i love those stores) and look, and touch and test them, all over the little testing papers they put out… for a really long time.. and I purchase more pens than any normal person should have. I get excited when I find a new brand that I haven’t discovered yet or yes, when my favorites go on sale!  I will be honest with you, I even search online, for new brands and read reviews about them …oh you have no idea how good it feels to get this off my chest.  I love pens.

But that is a little off topic. This blog post is not just about my pens. There is a purpose for me disclosing that bit of oddity about myself to you… You will understand if you keep reading. My pens are grateful that I have started blogging.  I feel like I am still a newbie at blogging. Most around me are  well worn professionals who have been doing it for much longer than I. It has been quite intimidating to start a blog, especially on the topic of me… and my crazy. It is hard thing to talk about with real people, so I thought it would be nearly impossible to talk to an unknown audience, who doesn’t know me from Adam…. but I was wrong.

I learned 3 things very soon after writing my first couple blog posts.4806840360_17f122f9c6_n

#1:  The blogging world is a very supportive group of people. I was surprised at the support in the form of comments and emails that I received…from other bloggers and casual readers who have never met me. Some who share the same mental illness issues as I do, Others who fight against ones that I don’t. Then those who reached out just because they care. Blogger or reader, this community that I never new existed is amazing. Thanks guys 🙂

#2: Like probably most of you, I have been told that writing in journals is good for me. But writing a blog I find is different. When I write, I am true to myself, my feelings and thoughts, but I also find that I want to give back what others have given to me- positivity..(google is telling me that is not a word, btw, and i am choosing to ignore it). I want to be someone who is honest, but who can turn bad days into something at least a little better.  I’m not one to sugarcoat reality… but more in the way of finding a purpose for each day or at least something positive. Living with a mental illness can make that practically impossible at times. And some days, probably more often than you think, I find it in something that someone has written. A new perspective, or a thought, or something funny that you have said… And I’m just going to be honest here, some days just reading that you are having a f*#% up crazy day like me, helps me feel a little better.. knowing I am not the only one… and I just hope to be able to return the favor for someone, some day.

#3: Writing saves my sanity. Writing about my thoughts, my days, and my life is therapeutic… but I probably don’t have to tell you that.  If I am having a really difficult day and if I can sit down and write it out, it can help. Writing calms me…. most of the time.  Sometimes, it will help my heart beat slow and my head become a little more clearer and focused. If I sit and think about what is really going on with me as I write, sometimes more often than not, I start to feel a little better. Or at the very least begin to understand myself a little more. Which in turn helps me to be a little easier on myself ..even if it is just a little bit. But since we are being honest… some days when I write, the pages are filled with cuss words and crazy ramblings and I end up throwing the pen across the room. (thank goodness it has never been my laptop .. only the poor pen) I have lost and broke more of my dear pens that I would like to admit… and truth…at least one time, said pen might have actually stuck in the wall like a dart. That’s reality. Since I started blogging I have been using my beloved pens less… and the keyboard more… I have mixed feelings about that, but my pens will never be replaced in my heart.

So there you have it. I’m sticking around because this blog seems to be keeping my crazy, at least somewhat, at bay …and for the safety of my beloved pens.

…lucky you 😉

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12 thoughts on “it’s not a pen fetish… i promise

  1. Writing about your own mental illness is so hard, whether to people in your life or strangers. I, too, have noticed how supportive the online blogging community can be, especially those who are also writing about mental health. It’s nice to feel like we’re not alone <3

    1. Obsession….. appreciation…. it really is a very fine line one might cross. Who’s to say, really 🙂 But I’m afraid once you do, there is no going back.

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